Collision

As I began, Essence.

As I end, Presence.

Exuding... Presence that is unspeakable.

The Essence of fallible air or justifiable air.

Tomorrow things seen as if they take on a world of there own....Essence.

Today my worlds collides as if they did 11 years ago....Presence.

Tomorrow confusion explodes.

Today I wonder why Tomorrow isn't today.

Tomorrow I encounter why presence begets essence.

I have wondered aimlessly in this world between essence and presence.

I have drifted between two worlds as they illuminate ways of thinking, acting, and loving.

I have encountered chaos, love, and warmth...all within the walls of expectations and sublimation.

Shall we continue this dance?

Why yes... the place between essence and presence is breath taking.

The beauty of natural hair...but sometimes i wonder

Okay...first of all...I have been a woman of color with natural hair for about 2 years now. I would like to say that I actually like my hair texture and curl pattern....but sometimes I wonder if most African Americans prefer processed hair. I am told frequently that I have pretty hair, do you have a texturizer, and blah blah blah...But I can't help to wonder if my perceived notion of beauty would be increased if I wasn't natural or if I straightened it out.....

For a visual.... my hair is jet black and very silky, ropey,curly. No kink, no air fro...but I have a very spirly defined curl. Due to this spiral defined curl...it is a longer process to get my hair to the desired length I would prefer.

Back to sometimes I wonder....so....I know my husband was in support of this change...although sometimes i wonder if he quickly regrets this change. My hair is growing and will be absolutely beautiful when it grows a few more inches (like ten...lol..)But I know I look so much differently than what I did when we first married....yea....we are NOT going to talk about the kind of 20 lbs I gained... STOP...I know...why am I being so negative....20 lbs and I still weigh 125...get over it...

I realize that it has been a movement in African American women wearing their hair natural and for many reason's.....political....cultural....or in my case...I was turning 30 and became SSSSSOOOOO bored...you know how we do...get bored and cut our hair, color our hair....and blah blah blah....me on the other hand hand been there done that so I made the massive decision to go natural.

But sometimes I wonder if I will ever get to my desired style and look.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever wake up and my hair not be matted to my head because of the hair products i use.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel 100% comfortable with the thoughts in my mind about my hair.

Sometimes I wonder if my sense of self worth has more to do with these lbs and not my hair....




I digress.....





Back to my hair....sometimes I would like to throw the creamy crack back in to it...just to have the long flowing hair again....But sometimes I love my hair....

So much that I loss my mind and cut the back of it this past weekend. Okay...so picture this. I have a very loose silky hair pattern in the very back....what my mom and family use to call my good hair...or baby hair...well that good hair or baby hair has given my hell this past year. My ropey curly hair is one length and my loose curl pattern hangs down making me look like I have a rat tail or a mullet. So snip snip. I cut it myself. Now no long hair in the back no mo.











Side note





I am use to having long hair...processed long flowing hair...and this process is wearisome. Looking for that perfect hair care product that is going to have my hair breezy and curly at the same time....not as stiff as a scare crow.

I love me. I love my hair. I love that my husband keeps his mouth shut about it. I love this process...I'd just love more if I could beem my process up about 2 more years and have longer hair. How about that.

Yesterdays

The truth about...was the initial concept that I was going with. Although this was the first concept it was still a blank slate until now.

Yesterdays....at one point in my life I can honestly say I thought my life was going to be pretty designed. I recall my master plan....leave my surly little town....high tail it to the 'big little city'....get that high paying degree...and then have that decorated life.....

The great career, loving husband, beautiful house, and wonderful healthy children. And during all this time it never occurred to me that I wouldn't get everything I wanted. I always had. I was the lucky one. Two loving parents....a fun younger brother....great extended family. The works.

But, I digress, I did almost get everything I wanted. The great career, loving husband (he's a work in progress...but I guess they all are), beautiful house, but....here's the problem... no children. Now many of you would say...no children...how is that a problem....stay tuned. I will catch you up.

Yesterdays included a lot of planning and hoping. Is hoping wrong? Is planning wrong? What ever happened to days like watching The Cosby Show or hanging out in the woods behind your house or neighborhood. I recall being able to get with the other neighborhood kids and enjoy playing in the undiscovered and unused land behind our neighborhood. No worries of pedophiles or lunatics lurking around the corner. We would all play together, boys and girls, with our little brothers and sisters and have a ball. I remember Yesterdays. I remember the unassuming questions of reality. The fairy land world of hope. I remember growing up in a surly little town known as home of the KKK, but rarely experiencing racism. I remember thinking my father and mother would live forever. I remember looking at my grandmother thinking she would never be truly old. I remember.....hope, faith, and unassuming doubt that I would get everything I wanted. I am still working on that. I am now trying to work on keeping faith and hope.

Yesterdays.....